I have become an angry person in the recent past. If I were young, I could be an angry young man who’s upset with the society. If I were old, i could be a responsible senior citizen who’s angry at where the world is going. But I’m an energy deficit middle aged man, well fast approaching the middle age.

I am not really sure why or at whom I’m angry. I am angry at the person who cuts me off at traffic, I’m angry at the delivery person with attitude, I’m angry at the politicians and the so called neutral news reporters, I’m angry when things don’t go my way, I’m angry at the people around me, my friends, my family, my wife, my dog and above all, I’m angry at myself.

I’ve seen a bill burr stand up where he jokes about his temperament. When his wife asks how can he go from 0 to 100 in a span of few seconds, he replies that he idles at 80 on a normal day. It’s easy to go to 100 from there. I can now relate to it from my personal experience.

When I try to think deeply and analyse why I’m angry all the time, it could be because I have lots of ambitions, dreams, goals in my life and I’m not able to go towards them amidst my work life, family life and personal (?) life. On top of this, I’m very lazy and lately addicted to my mobile ( YouTube videos and shorts). I would be seeing videos for 3-4 hours a day and when I have to walk my dog, i feel irritated at my dog because I’m unable to sit down with a good book. Catch my drift?

I feel that it all stems from my mobile usage and I have decided to stop using my mobile for entertainment completely. I’ve uninstalled all my social media apps, games, disabled YouTube. Hope that I’ll stick to it. It should bring about the discipline in my life that I crave deeply. One might wonder how I was able to pinpoint the root cause, even if it’s accurate. I get to think deep thoughts and contemplate whenever I drive. And when I don’t have a song or an audiobook or a YouTube video playing. Because that’s the only time I will not be able to take the phone on my hand.

Coming to the topic, whenever I get angry, i go silent. My wife says it’s obvious on my face, but others don’t seem to notice it. I prefer that. I am not good with confrontation and even if I confront and win the argument, it feels unsettling. So, I suffer in silence, most of the time without anyone even knowing about it. And it hurts. Physically. Psychologically. I don’t think there’s any solution to it, i can’t handle anger any other way. I have tried. I don’t know how to channel it proportionally. I could blow up for an issue that may warrant just a stare, or I could stare at someone who deserves a 15 minute yelling. Some times, I second guess my own feelings and start to feel guilty about it. If I start to look for the root cause of it, I tend to think about my suppressed feelings, my childhood, my cultural upbringing and so on. I don’t want to go that route now.

The only other option is for me to not get angry in the first place. How simple !! But what that entails will be deep. I should practice strong will, flexible and no personal desires. I didn’t mean I should get rid of my ambitions, just my desires. Anyway the well of desires never gets dry, it’s better to just shut it off completely. I should stop feeling self pity, become more flexible and try to be a happier person, in general. It is good for my health, for my well being, for my spiritual practices and more importantly, for the people around me.

My ego should shrink substantially. I remember a time when that was true. I could remember that I was genuinely happy. I could almost ‘live in the moment’ and I didn’t let anyone offend me. In other words, I didn’t give the control of my emotions to every person i encounter. That was a great freedom in some sense. But then eventually I convinced myself that professionally I had a team to represent, personally I had a family to represent and I built up my ego consciously and wanted to push back and jump at people when my self image was questioned. Just initially, once my ego grew, it took charge and now I think it’s time to take back the control.

Just while I’m writing this article, i realise where I have derailed and what I need to do. The power of writing, indeed. Abrupt end, I can see it; but I have nothing more to share about this now.