I’m fed up with this. Exhausted. No way out. The only way out appears to be so far away that it seems almost impossible to reach. I can’t be myself and I can’t not be myself. How do I live any further?

How do I change? Or do I change? What’s the point? For whom? The world around me is so much out of my control, out of my perceptive reality even. I don’t know if it even hurts. Or just angry. I’m blabbering my random thoughts without making sense to myself or to anyone else who could go through this.

But I will not end this. I will look at You judgingly and wait to see when You’re going to end this madness. Do I have to surrender myself for You to take some responsibility for all this craziness in my life? I don’t want any lectures to know how good my life is compared to million others. That’s not the point. The point is I am struggling here and what am I to do about it?

Why have I made the decisions i made? Why was I not shown the right way back then? When I was too close? I have made too many wrong decisions in life to now turn back. I have to live the life I built for myself. What a burden !!

Charanagathi aka surrender is the one thing I haven’t tried because I am not sure how do do it. Even if I figure it out, i don’t know how to go forward living life having surrendered myself to You. I sometimes suspect that making this life horrible and unbearable is just Your way of reminding me that You exist and that i don’t. But I can’t fathom all that meaning. My skin burns in anger. I can feel my blood that’s almost always warm. It shows up physically. I am exhausted, i have no more energy left in my body or in my spirit. Either i will have to move to this side of the road or to the other side. On this side, I will have to continue living this way but by altering my frame of reference, my mindset a bit. It could yield some results, but there’s a constant pressure and resistance from my world. The other side of the road is complete surrender, not to you. To the environment and the pressures this world gives me. I should fold. What happens then? I can visualise a soul-less being surviving and making others happy. What about me? Does it even matter on the other side of the road?

This is just a rant with no meaning and no answers and no solutions to all the problems. If at all I come up with a solution, I’ll mention it somewhere.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost